Teenagers!!!

I am tearing my hair out here!  My son, now aged 16, and doing NCEA L1, never gets sick.  He's tall and lanky.  Since hubby & I split he's had strep throat, the flu & now a head cold; all in the space of 2 months.  We've got a slip here to get a blood test, but he has a phobia to needles and won't go.  I mean, how do you MAKE them go?  How do you drag a 16 year old boy out to the car and into the lab?  It's just not possible.  I'm so frustrated.  I want to know if there's something wrong; or if it's just his body's way of reacting to the stress the past couple of months.  In contrast, our 10 year daughter, is cruising, she's fine.  I went to my volunteer job this morning and my manager prayed for me.  So lovely of her.  I DO trust in God; but it's so hard when you in the middle of the situation.  I have people asking me if my ex and I have started our settlement as yet; but I can't get my head around that as well!  My son's attitude at school is pretty sucky too.  He's in the top class, but his time management and attitude are shocking.  I've been to see the AP with him.  He makes all the right noises, but then we get home and it's back to him being him.  Ahhhhh!!!

Intermediate

Ex and daughter picked me up this afternoon to go to local school's open day.  Our daughter is off to intermediate next year. Ex parks the farthest away from anyone else.  He walks up the path with arms folded.  And we go way over the far side of the seating area to sit down.  It's like "don't come near us"!!!  I mean what is that about?  So we get in our group, which Ella jimmies so we get to have 2 of her friends in.  So the three stooges are walking around giggling all the time.  Three mischief makers!   Ex is walking around with arms folded.  I'm chatting away to other Mums in the group.  By the time we got around every department it was about 2½ hours.   Buggered by end of it.  It's overwhelming too.  Lots of information in a short space of time.  I mean how do you make the decision?  I told my daughter to liken it to an open home for a house for sale.  If you go in and it feels "right".  Think about the things you're liking and not liking.  I mean what do you take into consideration when choosing?  Do you do co-head or all girls?  Does it matter doing a separate intermediate or combined with high school?  We have our local College to choose from (combined intermediate & high school); a separate intermediate in the city; and two girls schools that are Colleges.  It's a pity I don't believe in crystal balls!  The local College our son went to for intermediate; and it was intended that he'd stay there for high school too.  But it didn't work well for him.  He needed to be accountable, and there was no allowance for that there.  We went to an all boys school and it felt, well "right".  And it's worked out quite well for him.  But what works for one, doesn't necessarily work for the other.  After all, we have friends that have their two boys at two different high schools; ones in a co-head & ones in an all boys.  Our daughter isn't as academic as our son.  She's into totally different things, so will this local College work just fine?  I do not believe in crystal balls, but I DO believe in God; and I will do what I've done with our son, and pray about it.  And, with a bit of faith I'll hear God's answer... and so will my daughter(!) You want them to be with their friends, but you want them to have the best education as well.  It's a hard one.  Now onto my son.  He's got a heap of Art to do for NCEA.  He's struggling as it takes sooooo much time.  We thought it would have been a little light relief for him amongst the other subjects he's doing; but it's actually taking time away from the subjects he's actually really interested in for future study.  In hindsight we wish we hadn't encouraged him to take it.  Gosh it's just so hard being a parent some days.  Other's you feel so blessed. I knew when I left my hubbythat it wasn't going to mean that he wasn't going to still be on at me all the time.  Now when the kids are at his for the weekend he rings all the time with things like "you're going to have to get onto .... about his art... he's quite behind you know.  You'll need to keep him on task"; and "you know that he's slept both mornings, and then by the time he gets into work he hasn't had much time.  I wanted to take him shopping for clothes but there was no time when he doesn't get home. You're gonna have to talk to him about that.  He can't do that all the time".  You're gonna have to do this, you're gonna have to do that.  Blimey heck!! Why always me for goodness sake?!  It gets so draining.  At least I can kick him out, hang up the phone, or drive away now... but then I'm just running away.  So, although it's peaceful and less stressful being away from him full time, it doesn't mean I don't get nagged at still!  I really can't wait until the kids are finished school and I don't have to deal with him so often.  Our son's only got 2½ years to go, so that'll take the pressure off a bit, hopefully.  I still suffer a bit from anxiety, and read a post on Facebook the other day about how to perhaps save yourself from a full blast panic attack.  Counting down from five, name:

Five things you can see

Four things you can touch

Three things you can hear

Two things you can smell

One thing you can taste

Maybe this'll help you.  I'm going to pop it on my fridge, so when I start feeling anxious I can look at it and do it... and maybe it'll just dispel it.  I've got nothing to lose by trying!

I started suffering from anxiety when I was pregnant with my daughter.  It was mainly hormonal and I suffered terrible anxiety all through the pregnancy.  Then it started coming back a couple of years ago.  Maybe it had something to do with me being in my early 40's and being pre-menopausal; but it could also be attributed to the stress in my marriage.  I returned to my faith about 8 years ago, and without that now I'm not sure how I would have got through what I have so far; or how I would continue on.  But God has not failed me.  He has been there for me and my children.  My church was doing a firewood fundraiser.  I ordered a couple of meters and when it was delivered they wouldn't let me pay for it.  I have, over the years, done a lot of volunteer work there so I guess it's a case of what goes around comes around.  In saying that it's a very humbling experience.  A couple of week's ago I tried out a new church, and ran into my ex's cousin.  She told me to read Psalm 121 when I got home.  I did.  It was perfect for me.  I prayed to God thanking him for watching over me and my family. A few days later the man from church that had delivered my wood knocked on my door.  He said "I've got some wood on the back of my ute.  It's getting in the way and I thought you could use it, since we've had such a cold couple of weeks".  Wow!  God really was looking out for me.  Praise our Lord!  AND another story.  A friend from church was updating her tv room couches and offered me hers.  There's nothing wrong with them.  They look great.  I cried when she delivered them.  I mean, what do you say?  Thanks seems so empty.  Another verse came to me this weekend Philippians 4: 6-8... "Don't worry about anything, tell God what you need...."  Wow.  He really does have me in His sights.  This journey is, and continues to be, a journey of faith.  Of really trying hard to handle my worries to Him, who has it all in hand.  It's tough not to worry as a Mum for a start, little alone a Mum on her own with two kids on a Benefit.  But God holds me in the palm of His hand.  I cast all my cares upon Him... who loves me unconditionally!  AMEN

Well, this is my first attempt at blogging.  Why am I doing it?  Because I want to document my journey.  I want to be of help to others going on the same journey as me; and I want to see help from them too.
I just heard Joel Osteen on TV saying how God wrote down our last scene in our life and worked backwards.  The scenes in our life are like scenes in a movie.  He talked to a producer and he said that in order to make a good movie you have to have love, heartache, perhaps tragedy, loss and triumph.  Just like our lives.  But we know that when we're going through those perhaps negative parts in our life that that's not our final scene, that's not the scene God has for us.  This is where Jeremiah 29:11 comes in where God reminds us that he gives us "hope and a future".    I tell you, if it hadn't been for God, and that particular verse I don't know where I'd be today. You see, like God, I kinda had the scenes of my life all sorted.  I was going to fall in love & marry the man that had become my best friend & love of my life around 25; have kids - a pigeon pair too; we'd live in a nice town in a nice home and have a great family life.  Boy did I get that wrong! 
Let's me hit rewind here and tell you abit about my childhood.  We lived in a wee country town and I went to Church every Sunday.  There was, and never has been, any doubt about God existing, and being in my life.  I went to Youth Group as a teen.  And when I first moved to the city I went to church there too.  With boyfriends and a social life Church, admittedly, took a step back in my life.   How I wished I had kept going to church etc.  I know God was always there in the background.  The faith never died.  Anyway, back to where we were...
At about 24 I had been with my then boyfriend for about 3 years.  I decided I wanted to get married and that's not where he was at so I decided to end our relationship.  And end it then it should have been.  But he was distraught & begged for me to come back to him.  I didn't want to get married under that pretext.  So I did eventually go back to him.  Six month's later he proposed, we didn't get married for a further 2 years, and then one year + one month after "I'm leaving, I don't wanna do this anymore".  I was in shock. I wasn't aware we were having issues.  I thought all was rosey.  I think I was living in dreamland.  I was caught up in those nursery rhymes I had read as a kid.    We eventually divorced and, after much heartache and many buckets of tears, I moved on.  Had to sell at our house ending up with a debt of $10k each.  A month before the house sold I had a beautiful baby boy to a, hold your breath, one night stand.  Another thing I couldn't believe would happen to me.  But we knew each other (and have incidentally kept in touch, although he hasn't had contact with my son).  My parents were distraught.  Mum said "have an abortion", but later rang to apologise.  Dad was just worried about me coping on my own.  But cope I did.  The first year could only be described as "hell on earth".  My son had Silent Reflux and Losec was not offered at that time.  I rocked him to sleep each and every night singing Wheels on the Bus, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Rock a Bye Baby and who knows how many other songs.  I was just about nodding off myself most of the time.  Feeding was a nightmare... let me tell you breastfeeding isn't always easy and it's awful when you feel such pressure to succumb to it.  Being a first time Mum you kinda do as you're told.  Such a stressful time.  Anyway, I ended up moving closer to Mum & Dad to have their support and having family close by.  It worked out well.  We got a nice wee place.  We got involved in the community and things went well.  A couple of months after my boy's 2nd birthday I was set up on a blind date.  I met this guy and we went out for dinner.  He was 4 years older than me, had never been married, lived with anyone, or had a long term relationship.  Why were the alarm bells not ringing then??!!  I think I was just so amazed that someone wanted me when I had a small child that I just went with it.  He went on a trip and brought back pressies for both of us.  I thought he was lovely, and generous.  Boy did I get that wrong too.  Anyway things progressed in our relationship.  We moved to where he was living at the time.  We talked about children and I said I didn't want another one without being married.  So in December 2003 we "tied the knot".  We weren't allowed any friends or extended family at the wedding; only our parents and my son.  That saddened me; but I had already had a big wedding so had let him do what he wanted.  In hindsight I wished I had insisted on our friends & family coming.  What I was to discover, over time, was that it was his way all the time.  In November 2004 we had a beautiful daughter; so that scene in my life worked out - a pigeon pair.   She was, and remains to be, the apple of my husbands eye.  He loves her with every breath.  I'm just her Mother.  When she was just 5 months old we moved into the home he had built in another town.   It was huge.  And so was the large section... pretty overwhelming to be fair.  Life continued.  Our wee boy was at school by then.  My husband had adopted him.  That's another story.  And now we've been married 11½ years.  We've had more downs than ups in our marriage.  Things really changed when we had our daughter; and furthermore when we moved to his house.  He was always telling us to get our shoes off, keep this tidy and that.  It was like a shrine more than a home.  He was always nagging.  He'd be out in the garden, but achieve nothing.  Goodness know what he was doing.  I had no interest as it was just too overwhelming for me.  Would he listen, no.  I suggested we get somewhere smaller, no.  He spent all his weekends out in it.  Lawns were never ending, little along garden.  It was such a tie.  I still kept in touch with my ex husbands family; and he didn't like that one bit.  I certainly was not interested in my ex by then; but he was really threatened.  Every time I was going somewhere it was "where are you going; how long are you going to be"?  It was just draining.  For about the past 7 years all I've wanted to do is walk away.  But, because of my faith, I've feel immense guilt.  Guilt about hurting my husband... you see I don't hate him; I just can't live with him; guilt about hurting my children... my son had a father he wouldn't have otherwise had; and my daughter was as besotted with her Daddy as he was with her.  I felt guilt about money, about splitting the family and so much more.  I just couldn't walk away.  I had prayed for years about it.  Earlier this year I prayed to God "God, I think I must be thick or deaf or something.  I've been praying to you for so long about my husband and I and I don't feel I'm getting any response from you.  I think you're just going to have to do something so I finally "get" it."  Well about 2 weeks later I went to bed, was asleep and then woke having a Panic Attack.  Oh wow, the only way I can describe it is that you feel that you're either going to die, or lose your mind.  I felt both.  I thought "there's a notebook by my bed.  I need to go write in it to the kids."  I thought I WAS either going to die or lose the plot!  My husband was asking, over and over, "do you want me to call an ambulance".  I was like "I don't know, I don't know what's happening".  He finally DID call them; and by the time they arrived I was calming down a bit.  They helped as best they could; but I didn't end up sleeping the rest of the night... I painted (that's my therapy, oil painting).  The next morning we went to the Doctor.  The Doctor who I saw ridiculed and belittled what I was feeling (which included a zombie as I hadn't slept all night).  I went home with no meds and was just a right case.  I made another appointment and saw someone else that empathised with me and gave me the medication I needed.  I complained about the first Doctor.  The Practice Manager was awesome, and put me onto a great Doctor that has been a real rock.  I hate the idea of these anxiety meds, but they're doing they're job so that's all the matters.  MY point to this story is... God answered my prayer.  I said "... you're gonna have to do something so I finally get it" and He did.  That was my panic attack.  I realised I was in this very stressful situation, that was now affecting my mental health.  I had to get out!  I started looking for a rental. I went to WINZ and found out how much money I would get, or wouldn't get should I say(?!)  It was going to be tough, but I could do it.  Then I had to tell my husband. I stewed about it for days and finally got up the guts.  It'd be fair to say that that didn't go down well.  He couldn't see what was wrong (say what?!) and didn't think HE had done anything wrong for a start.  I mean I could go into great detail, but there's no need really.
So, we moved out on the 27th May; so it's been just over two months.  How have we faired?  I'll let you know next time...
Meantime, thanks for reading my blog.  Happy to hear constructive criticism, feedback & comments.