Well, this is my first attempt at blogging.  Why am I doing it?  Because I want to document my journey.  I want to be of help to others going on the same journey as me; and I want to see help from them too.
I just heard Joel Osteen on TV saying how God wrote down our last scene in our life and worked backwards.  The scenes in our life are like scenes in a movie.  He talked to a producer and he said that in order to make a good movie you have to have love, heartache, perhaps tragedy, loss and triumph.  Just like our lives.  But we know that when we're going through those perhaps negative parts in our life that that's not our final scene, that's not the scene God has for us.  This is where Jeremiah 29:11 comes in where God reminds us that he gives us "hope and a future".    I tell you, if it hadn't been for God, and that particular verse I don't know where I'd be today. You see, like God, I kinda had the scenes of my life all sorted.  I was going to fall in love & marry the man that had become my best friend & love of my life around 25; have kids - a pigeon pair too; we'd live in a nice town in a nice home and have a great family life.  Boy did I get that wrong! 
Let's me hit rewind here and tell you abit about my childhood.  We lived in a wee country town and I went to Church every Sunday.  There was, and never has been, any doubt about God existing, and being in my life.  I went to Youth Group as a teen.  And when I first moved to the city I went to church there too.  With boyfriends and a social life Church, admittedly, took a step back in my life.   How I wished I had kept going to church etc.  I know God was always there in the background.  The faith never died.  Anyway, back to where we were...
At about 24 I had been with my then boyfriend for about 3 years.  I decided I wanted to get married and that's not where he was at so I decided to end our relationship.  And end it then it should have been.  But he was distraught & begged for me to come back to him.  I didn't want to get married under that pretext.  So I did eventually go back to him.  Six month's later he proposed, we didn't get married for a further 2 years, and then one year + one month after "I'm leaving, I don't wanna do this anymore".  I was in shock. I wasn't aware we were having issues.  I thought all was rosey.  I think I was living in dreamland.  I was caught up in those nursery rhymes I had read as a kid.    We eventually divorced and, after much heartache and many buckets of tears, I moved on.  Had to sell at our house ending up with a debt of $10k each.  A month before the house sold I had a beautiful baby boy to a, hold your breath, one night stand.  Another thing I couldn't believe would happen to me.  But we knew each other (and have incidentally kept in touch, although he hasn't had contact with my son).  My parents were distraught.  Mum said "have an abortion", but later rang to apologise.  Dad was just worried about me coping on my own.  But cope I did.  The first year could only be described as "hell on earth".  My son had Silent Reflux and Losec was not offered at that time.  I rocked him to sleep each and every night singing Wheels on the Bus, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Rock a Bye Baby and who knows how many other songs.  I was just about nodding off myself most of the time.  Feeding was a nightmare... let me tell you breastfeeding isn't always easy and it's awful when you feel such pressure to succumb to it.  Being a first time Mum you kinda do as you're told.  Such a stressful time.  Anyway, I ended up moving closer to Mum & Dad to have their support and having family close by.  It worked out well.  We got a nice wee place.  We got involved in the community and things went well.  A couple of months after my boy's 2nd birthday I was set up on a blind date.  I met this guy and we went out for dinner.  He was 4 years older than me, had never been married, lived with anyone, or had a long term relationship.  Why were the alarm bells not ringing then??!!  I think I was just so amazed that someone wanted me when I had a small child that I just went with it.  He went on a trip and brought back pressies for both of us.  I thought he was lovely, and generous.  Boy did I get that wrong too.  Anyway things progressed in our relationship.  We moved to where he was living at the time.  We talked about children and I said I didn't want another one without being married.  So in December 2003 we "tied the knot".  We weren't allowed any friends or extended family at the wedding; only our parents and my son.  That saddened me; but I had already had a big wedding so had let him do what he wanted.  In hindsight I wished I had insisted on our friends & family coming.  What I was to discover, over time, was that it was his way all the time.  In November 2004 we had a beautiful daughter; so that scene in my life worked out - a pigeon pair.   She was, and remains to be, the apple of my husbands eye.  He loves her with every breath.  I'm just her Mother.  When she was just 5 months old we moved into the home he had built in another town.   It was huge.  And so was the large section... pretty overwhelming to be fair.  Life continued.  Our wee boy was at school by then.  My husband had adopted him.  That's another story.  And now we've been married 11½ years.  We've had more downs than ups in our marriage.  Things really changed when we had our daughter; and furthermore when we moved to his house.  He was always telling us to get our shoes off, keep this tidy and that.  It was like a shrine more than a home.  He was always nagging.  He'd be out in the garden, but achieve nothing.  Goodness know what he was doing.  I had no interest as it was just too overwhelming for me.  Would he listen, no.  I suggested we get somewhere smaller, no.  He spent all his weekends out in it.  Lawns were never ending, little along garden.  It was such a tie.  I still kept in touch with my ex husbands family; and he didn't like that one bit.  I certainly was not interested in my ex by then; but he was really threatened.  Every time I was going somewhere it was "where are you going; how long are you going to be"?  It was just draining.  For about the past 7 years all I've wanted to do is walk away.  But, because of my faith, I've feel immense guilt.  Guilt about hurting my husband... you see I don't hate him; I just can't live with him; guilt about hurting my children... my son had a father he wouldn't have otherwise had; and my daughter was as besotted with her Daddy as he was with her.  I felt guilt about money, about splitting the family and so much more.  I just couldn't walk away.  I had prayed for years about it.  Earlier this year I prayed to God "God, I think I must be thick or deaf or something.  I've been praying to you for so long about my husband and I and I don't feel I'm getting any response from you.  I think you're just going to have to do something so I finally "get" it."  Well about 2 weeks later I went to bed, was asleep and then woke having a Panic Attack.  Oh wow, the only way I can describe it is that you feel that you're either going to die, or lose your mind.  I felt both.  I thought "there's a notebook by my bed.  I need to go write in it to the kids."  I thought I WAS either going to die or lose the plot!  My husband was asking, over and over, "do you want me to call an ambulance".  I was like "I don't know, I don't know what's happening".  He finally DID call them; and by the time they arrived I was calming down a bit.  They helped as best they could; but I didn't end up sleeping the rest of the night... I painted (that's my therapy, oil painting).  The next morning we went to the Doctor.  The Doctor who I saw ridiculed and belittled what I was feeling (which included a zombie as I hadn't slept all night).  I went home with no meds and was just a right case.  I made another appointment and saw someone else that empathised with me and gave me the medication I needed.  I complained about the first Doctor.  The Practice Manager was awesome, and put me onto a great Doctor that has been a real rock.  I hate the idea of these anxiety meds, but they're doing they're job so that's all the matters.  MY point to this story is... God answered my prayer.  I said "... you're gonna have to do something so I finally get it" and He did.  That was my panic attack.  I realised I was in this very stressful situation, that was now affecting my mental health.  I had to get out!  I started looking for a rental. I went to WINZ and found out how much money I would get, or wouldn't get should I say(?!)  It was going to be tough, but I could do it.  Then I had to tell my husband. I stewed about it for days and finally got up the guts.  It'd be fair to say that that didn't go down well.  He couldn't see what was wrong (say what?!) and didn't think HE had done anything wrong for a start.  I mean I could go into great detail, but there's no need really.
So, we moved out on the 27th May; so it's been just over two months.  How have we faired?  I'll let you know next time...
Meantime, thanks for reading my blog.  Happy to hear constructive criticism, feedback & comments.